Ok, so I like the "Dead or Alive" video game series. What of it? I prefer its play mechanics to Tekken, I like not having ring outs (damn you Soul Calibur!), and 2D fighters can suck a nut. And yeah, the graphics are gorgeous, as are the characters. The women especially.

I'm not alone in thinking this. Otherwise, why else would Tecmo have gone out and made "Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball"? You take all the really hot-looking computer-generated girls, put them in bathing suits, and let them play volleyball. So what of it?

I don't really feel like I need to justify my owning it, despite the fact this is now my third paragraph of doing so. I like the DoA girls. They're great to look at, and they have interesting personalities. It's not like I don't ever try and go out with real women because of this, you know. If you've visited other parts of my site, you should know I'm ALWAYS chasing after some girl. I just never end up getting her.

So I guess it can be forgiven then, that I thought I could on my XBox at least, get a girl. This isn't a full-blown dating sim, although in many regards it sure comes close. You choose your girl, and then you have two weeks to spend interacting with the other girls, buying them presents and stuff, so that they may team up with you and become your friend. Good fun, with plenty of cleavage.

Now my girl is Ayane. Always has been. My friend once said she looks like some gang-banger's bitch with her purple hair and snippy attitude but I sort of thought of her as a bit of a raver (ok, so ravers aren't really that much better). My point is that, in addition to being really cute, Ayane is a loner. Nobody likes her. She was sort of meant to be a "villain" in the early Dead or Alive games. She's the anti-Kasumi. Kasumi, if you don't know, is an inexplicably large chested Japanese teenager who moonlights as a ninja. She's really pretty, and in Dead or Alive 2, she was voiced by the same chick who does the title character of "Card Captor Sakura." Curvy, attractive, Japanese, squeaky childlike voice. She's an otaku dream.

The back story with Ayane is that she's an illegitamate half-sister of Kasumi. I've heard accounts that her story is more messed up in Japan, with stuff about her being sexually assaulted at a young age by her father, and just generally is looked down upon by Kasumi's family and the whole ninja clan. Whether or not that's really the case, I felt a whole lot of sympathy for her. She has a right to be eternally PMS'd. And besides, she's got purple hair and a sexy voice. I like Ayane.

So it's only natural that when I bought Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball earlier this year, that Ayane would be my first choice. Given the past history of previous Dead or Alive games, I knew that winning the heart of your volleyball partner would be a tad difficult. The game starts off with Lisa as your default partner. That way you can have a quick round of volleyball and get a feel for the controls.

And Lisa's a new character. She has no reason to be all pissy with Ayane. Yay me. We play a match against Kasumi and the suspiciously underaged-looking-yet-still-well-endowed Hitomi. Keep in mind I've never played this game before. So it shouldn't be all that unusual that me and Lisa get our asses handed to us. Oh well.

Lisa, so disgusted with my debut performance, actually ditches me after that one game. So now I have no choice but to find somebody else. I was fine with this at first, I wanted to team up with my second-favorite character, Tina. Tina's American, so that means she's blond, wears cowboy hats, and has gigantic breasts. I mean, gigantic by even Dead or Alive standards. These babies are a site to behold. Oh, and she's always a really strong character in the fighting games. That's why I use her. Yeah.

In order to win friends, you need to buy them gifts. This makes sense. Girls like it when you give them crap. The trick is finding what kind of crap they like. I saw a zebra-striped volleyball. I seem to recall seeing screenshots in magazines with Tina using this. Sounds like a start. I give her the ball. I think she likes it, but I foolishly decide to wait a day before asking her if she wants to be my volleyball partner. Tina politely declines. Oh well, I'll have a chance to give her more gifts.

So then I see that a gold revolver and cowboy hat are for sale. Who the hell else would want this? TINA IS AMERICAN, YOU KNOW! So I give them to her, and ask if she wants to play with me. She politely declines. I'm a little annoyed, but I let it slide.

Like I said earlier, you have a two week limit to do your stuff. I was already several days in and had no partner. So I was naturally QUITE ANGERED WHEN SHE RETURNED BOTH PRESENTS TO ME THAT NIGHT. I was pissed. I spent all this money on her, and she just gives it back like that?! Grrrr...

Ok, no problem, I'll move on to the next girl. I like Hitomi too. And she seems to have a happy-go-lucky attitude. So I start giving her presents, and she is quite nice to me in return. She buys me a gift as well, a blue pillow with bunnies on it. Ok, not the sort of style Ayane would go for, but that's ok. I see her the next day, wearing the presents I bought her! Yes! She likes my stuff! I ask her out... and she says no. Just like real women, she starts making up excuses not to hang out with me. But she liked the fact that I'd buy her stuff. Thanks Hitomi. God damnit...

So next I thought maybe outcasts should stick together. I doubted anyone would hang out with the cold, silent assasssin, Christie. I bought her some black nail polish. SHE THREW IT AWAY.

Ok, now it's day 9 all of a sudden. I've played a grand total of ONE volleyball game, and that was the first one with Lisa. That's it. I'm now starting to get frustrated with the fact that my escape-from-reality experience was MIRRORING MY REALITY. I mean, Jesus Christ. What do I have to do, huh?

But suddenly, I get a break. Lei Fang seemed sympathetic for my plight. Cute, polite, Lei Fang. FINALLY! SHE TEAMED UP WITH ME TEN DAYS IN!@#$% This just shows that the best kind of dates are pity dates.

So I immediately set my goals onto what any rational person would have done: VENGEANCE. Tina (bitch) and Hitomi (two-faced bitch) were teamed up. That's right. It was time for some retribution.

But there was a slight kink in my devious scheming... they've had ten days to practice and get good at volleyball. I had zero.

The less said about what happened next, the better.

Lei Fang wasn't thrilled with the results either. Bye-bye Lei Fang. Hey, that visor I bought you? I want that back, you know. You're just like the others, Lei Fang. You just won't give me a chance.

But on the plus side, I was quite happy with the tan I made having spent days wandering around the island doing nothing. I'd also become quite good at the Blackjack table in the casino and my skills were peaked on a little mini game where you gotta hop across these floating platforms in a swimming pool. This comes as no surprise, as that was all I really played up to this point, after all.

So who's left? Lisa ditched me the first damned day. Kasumi... sheesh, I wasn't even gonna try. Stuck up little ninja that she is and all. What about Helena? Does she still think I killed her mother? I'm telling you man, THAT WAS CHRISTIE!@#$$ Ayane doesn't use guns when she kills people. :|

Oh well, maybe a nice white bikini will change Helena's heart. So I catch her alone... and she flat out refuses. She would not even take the damned package. I still have it gift wrapped in my inventory. Well... I guess it would look good on me...

And that's it. I'm out of girls to befriend. I'm all alone. I go to the "relax" option and I watch Ayane sit alone at her table, looking desolate as everr. My friend stops by my apartment, watches me playing this game in my misery, and says that only I could take a fanserviced BEACH VOLLEYBALL GAME and turn it into a prozac-laden soliloquy of sadness and solitude.

Poor, poor, Ayane.

This has truly been an educational experience.